When you are diagnosed with cancer, it often feels like life stops. You have something new and overwhelming to deal with, and everything else becomes secondary. And that is how it should be – you and your health must become your top priority. You owe it to yourself and the people who care about you to get through this successfully.
One of the things I coach people to do is create a supportive community around them. We know that statistically women with better support networks have better outcomes. However, what if you have a difficult family, and creating this support network is not that simple? Just because you have cancer does not mean that tricky family circumstances suddenly sort themselves out and difficult family members change. The diagnosis itself is the crisis, but dysfunctional family dynamics can become the SECOND CRISIS running alongside it.
The most important thing to know is that no one has to navigate this alone, and asking for help – especially when family dynamics make home feel unsafe or exhausting – is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Some difficult family dynamics:
- Power imbalances, where you feel like you have no voice
- Communication problems, where you feel unable to explain how you feel and be heard, or where there is stone-walling or silent treatment
- Emotional dysfunction, where others in your family are emotionally unavailable
- Role-based patterns, where you are peacekeeper and need to manage everyone else’s emotions
- Toxic behaviours, like narcissism, manipulation, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, and gaslighting
- Unresolved history, like generational trauma, unspoken grief or loss, and old grudges
- External stressors, such as financial stress, addiction, mental illness, divorce
A breast cancer diagnosis often brings things that have been normalized over the years into sharp relief and forces you to look at things differently. This disrupts the family dynamics, causing resentments and resistance.
Examples:
- When communication is broken: family members may avoid talking about the diagnosis, making you feel isolated and unsupported
- When roles are rigid: if you have always been the caregiver, others struggle to reverse roles to provide support; a peacekeeper may downplay her own fear to keep the family calm
- When there is favouritism or enmeshment: some family members receive more information than others, creating jealousy and conflict
- When narcissistic dynamics are present: a narcissistic family member makes the diagnosis about themselves, dismissing or minimizing the patient’s needs
- When there is unresolved trauma or grief: old family wounds are opened, causing conflict
- When financial stress exists: treatment costs, and decisions around treatment choices, can amplify existing financial tension
The emotional distance that can develop between family members may further complicate the healing process. Even when support is present, it might feel conditional or strained, making it difficult to fully rely on one another during a vulnerable time. The patient may spend precious emotional and physical energy managing family conflict instead of healing. She may feel guilt about being a burden.
One way to deal with difficult families is to try and create new boundaries. Sit family members down and explain what you need and how they can best help you. You may need a family therapist or social worker to assist with this. Sometimes people just need guidance as to what they can do to best support you.
However, if the situation is too difficult or fraught, it may be time to create a support network apart from your family. Close friends or colleagues may be easier because they are not as emotionally involved. Accept help when it is offered, and be specific about your needs.
Otherwise, professional help may be necessary. Most cancer units have embedded social workers that specialize in these challenges. Patient navigators may be able to help coordinate care and connect patients to resources. A trusted Family Medicine Practitioner/GP is a very valuable resource for assessing the severity of the dysfunction, deciding if medication may be appropriate, and referring on to another professional if necessary.
In-person or online support groups and major organizations like CANSA or BCNSA offer support and resources. Apps like Calm and Headspace have cancer-specific meditations. Books on cancer may also be helpful for information or encouragement. Activities like journalling can help patients process what is happening to them.
As Cancer Survivorship Coach, I can help you navigate these challenges in a positive, forward-looking way. Coaching is a collaboration between you and the coach, to help you find solutions and navigate the best way forward for your unique circumstances. Use the contact form to set up a discovery call or one-on-one session.